The Group with No Name

The name we give something
shapes our attitude to it.
~ Katherine Patterson

My cousin (in-law) Shelly recently posted the following message on Facebook:

Group with no name is CANCELLED FOR TONIGHT.
We will reschedule for another day. Pass it on.

I was amused and intrigued.  I mean, who has a group and then not only doesn’t name it, but advertises this group is nameless?  I was hooked.

I didn’t know anything about anything that was going on, but I was curious to know when the group would be rescheduled. (And, truth be told, the more pressing priority was that I wanted to know what was up with this group!)

Well, apparently I wasn’t the only one watching the Group with No Name updates.

The following day, Shelly posted this message:

:::: GROUP WITH NO NAME ::::
Tuesday, July 13th @
7:30!!!!

Hillbilly Slip & Slide, Barrel Bull and of course,
Julia from Germany ♥

That was it. No address. No idea who was invited. No explanation of who this Julia from Germany was and why she would be in attendance. Hopefully, the members knew the details, because those of us on the outside looking in didn’t have a clue.

And then, finally, someone asked the question I had been waiting on:

“Shell, what’s the group with no name?
Whatever they do sounds fun!”

Shelly graciously responded that the group consists of teens and young adults who used to be members of a particular youth group.

But that’s not the point — not even close.

In a later post, Shelly expounded on the name. “We are a lot of characters so we are not an easily defined group.”

And there you have it.

Groups with names exclude, they set apart, they symbolize something (correctly or incorrectly). They say my members are this . . . or my members are not that. Because you are like us you are welcome to join our ranks . . . or because you are different, don’t even think about it.

You’re either in or you’re out.  And it’s generally determined pretty early in the process which side of the acceptance line you land.

But a group without a label is welcoming, friendly, hospitable. You can’t automatically exclude yourself based on the group name. You don’t have to be any one particular thing to be accepted. You’re not denied because you don’t meet the criteria. You are welcome.

There will always be room for you on that barrel bull.

So, hat’s off to Shelly and the Group with No Name!  Corporate America could learn a thing or two from you:

• Sometimes no name is the best name of all.
• Make an effort not to exclude people.
• Celebrate diversity.
• Stop taking yourself so seriously — take a turn on the Hillbilly Slip & Slide every once in a while.

And, oh yeah, Julia (whoever you are) — I hope you’re having a great time in the States!

Whatever you are, have a blast!

Deanna

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The Spotlight Will Eventually Shine

Too often we are so preoccupied with the destination,
we forget the journey.
~ Unknown

One vacation day. Sixteen hours in the car.  Nearly 960 miles added to the odometer.  Scenic travel through West Virginia, Pennsylvania, Maryland and Virginia.  Two stops to refuel. Two additional stops to stretch the legs.

The Aunts from Ohio had been summoned.

At the other end awaits one very excited four-year-old, a pink tutu, and three minutes of Bob Marley singing Three Little Birds:

. . . “Don’t worry about a thing. ‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right!”

It’s Summer’s first dance recital. Her chance to shine. To excel at something her older brothers don’t care about and for which her younger sister doesn’t yet have the coordination.

A middle child’s first moment in the spotlight — literally.

Summer has been taking lessons since last fall. Every week she has been introduced to new exercises, moves, dances, and music. It’s her thing.

Over Easter, she brought her dance costume with her to Ohio to give us a preview. She flitted and fluttered around the living room, up on tiny toes, arms moving like a butterfly, to a rhythm she alone could hear.

As the curtain opened for Act 11 on Friday night and the lights came up in the small auditorium in Richmond, 11 delightful preschool dancers appeared. White dance shoes pointed, hands positioned, all eyes on the instructor watching for the cue.

It was magical. It was fun. It almost fell apart — but the girls, under the skillful guidance of their teacher, held it together through the end. The crowd clapped and cheered, whistled and shouted.  Grandparents wiped tears. Parents breathed a sigh of relief.

Two aunts from Ohio were oh, so happy to have made the trip.

In five years, I don’t know if Summer will remember the details of this night. How excited she was to wear make-up for the first time, that Dawn and I were present, that her father handed her a huge bouquet of flowers during intermission, or that we went to Red Robin to celebrate.

Until Summer has children of her own, she probably won’t realize that her mother sat in the seat next to me feeling more anxiety than the dancers — but certainly less than their teacher.

What I hope she carries with her is that the journey brings its own reward — it can be just as fulfilling as the destination. The the work is worth it. That if you dance long enough, the spotlight will eventually shine.

The three minutes she was on stage could not begin to showcase all of the talents Summer has developed or the new skills she has mastered that led up to the night of the recital.  In life, as in dance, the destination doesn’t shine as brightly without the journey.

“It is good to have an end to journey toward;

but it is the journey that matters, in the end”

~ Ursula K. LeGuin

Keep dancing, Summer!

Whatever you are, enjoy the journey!

Deanna

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What You Don’t Deserve

Grace isn’t a little prayer you chant before receiving a meal.

It’s a way to live.

~ Jackie Windspear

Yesterday I was reminded that sometimes things don’t work out like they should. And sometimes this is a good thing.

I’m sure all of us have been there:

Broken laws, missed deadlines, thoughtless comments, intentional oversights, non-compliant behavior.

Actions (intentional or not) for which the law demands some sort of restitution:  discipline, fines, public humiliation, notes in personnel files, severe action, loss of freedom . . . trust . . . reputation.

We know what we did. We understand the consequences. We’re aware of the punishment. We know what we deserve. We wait to hear the judgment announced.

And we wait . . . and we wait . . .

And we play the scenario over and over in our minds, agonizing over the absurdity of our own actions.

And then — like the sun rising in the morning — grace appears. Unmerited favor is extended. We don’t get what we deserve. We are given a gift. And we promise ourselves we will behave differently in the future.

But the grace wasn’t for you to hoard in your life.

It’s not for you alone.

Once you receive grace, you accept the responsibility to extend grace to others. When they don’t deserve it. When you have the right to demand justice. To retaliate with  kindness. To pay it forward.

To give others what they don’t deserve.

Whatever you are, be graceful today!

Deanna

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Something Borrowed

I not only use all the brains that I have, but all that I can borrow.”
~ Woodrow T. Wilson

News Flash:  You can’t know everything.

Not so much a news flash for you?  Me, neither.

I apologize for the gratuitous use of hype!

If you know that you don’t know everything . . . and I know that I don’t know everything . . . why is it often so difficult for us to “borrow” knowledge, expertise, assistance, guidance and wisdom from others?

Why can asking for help be so difficult?

Even brides understand the importance of “Something Borrowed” on their wedding day.  It’s a symbolic gesture of asking for assistance. Yahoo! Answers explains it this way:

“Something borrowed” is usually an item from a happily married friend or family member, whose good fortune in marriage is supposed to carry over to the new bride. The borrowed item also reminds the bride that she can depend on her friends and family.

I like this idea of depending on friends and family who have it figured out. Of borrowing wisdom, expertise, advice, and guidance from someone who is further along on the journey. Of generously offering what you have when you encounter another who needs to borrow it.

Don’t let pride stand in your way.  If you need help, borrow some. If you have something to give, do so unselfishly.

“What do we live for if not to make life less difficult for each other?”
~George Eliot

Whatever you are, be a good one!

Deanna

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Keep It For Yourself

I don’t know what people may be trying to hand off to you, but there’s some idiotic stuff swirling around out there.

Anger and suspicion, criticism and self-doubt spring to mind. It seems most everyone is selling some brand of crazy — something you don’t want, don’t need, and — like the rotten apple in the barrel — negatively infects the rest of your life.

All too often we accept the demented feedback like it’s some beautiful floral arrangement.  We think about it. Talk about it. Place it somewhere important so we can look at it. Think about it. Talk about it some more.

We allow it to affect our thoughts, mood, day, relationships. We internalize it. Wonder what’s wrong with us that someone else would behave that way.

Why do we do that?

I thought you might enjoy a story posted on Positivity Blog this week. In it the author shared the following example as a practical way to deal with angry, destructive, critical, or nasty attacks:

A man interrupted one of the Buddha’s lectures with a flood of abuse.

Buddha waited until he had finished and then asked him, “If a man offered a gift to another, but the gift was declined, to whom would the gift belong?”

“To the one who offered it,” said the man.

“Then,” said the Buddha, “I decline to accept your abuse and request that you keep it for yourself.”

Simply don’t accept the crazy “gifts” other people are attempting to give you. You don’t have to.  Graciously allow the person who offered it to keep it for himself.

Whatever you are, I think it’s time to decline some gifts!

Deanna

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Jo in Phoenix

Few Sundays pass by without my reading Section E in the Columbus Dispatch. For those living outside of Central Ohio, Section E is the Arts & Life Section.

I love Arts. I love Life. And I love all of the advice columns!

Boys write seeking guidance on girls. Coworkers complain about every imaginable (and some shocking) behaviors. Inlaws, outlaws, ethics, school, debts, children, pets, distant relatives, gifts, neighbors — it seems there is no subject off limit for discussion.

I enjoy watching the experts dodge the heavy issues, chat about the trivial, and quite often, offer up some genuinely helpful advice.

This past weekend Dear Abby published an exceptionally heartwarming letter from a woman who has been married for 40 years. It seems an earlier advice-seeker had been complaining that “men don’t do their fair share around the home.”   Well, that put “Jo in Phoenix” on the offensive, and how!  Jo wrote:

During the 40 years my husband and I have been married, we . . . have had a tacit agreement.  Each of us does absolutely everything possible to keep the home running smoothly, never tallying and setting up balance sheets.

Out of love, each of us does whatever improves our common good.

There’s more to Jo’s letter, but this is the section that impressed me. I have never heard a relationship described so beautifully and yet so practically.

I don’t have anything to add to Jo’s insightful wisdom; I just wanted to share it with you today.

Whatever you are, you should take Jo’s advice!

Deanna

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Sticks & Stones

The weak can never forgive.

Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

~ Gandhi

I was reading an article in the Wall Street Journal this weekend by former Chief Justice Leah Ward Sears entitled, “How About Those Tomato Sandwiches . . .” For those unfamiliar with her story, Justice Sears served as our country’s first African-American female chief justice.

In the short — yet amazing — look into her life, Chief Justice Sears recounts several instances throughout her career when she has been dismissed, overlooked, or disrespected — sometimes even in the presence of her children.

In one example, Chief Justice Sears shares how, during a private lunch at a club in which she was the only woman of color present in a sea of lawyers, an older white woman tried to hand the young attorney her hat, assuming she was the restroom attendant.

While her story was fascinating, I found her response to such behavior simply amazing, and a lesson for us all.

“When . . . slights have occurred over the course of my career, I’ve always tried to remember the words of my friend, Jean Young: ‘You have to forgive and forgive and forgive, and then you have to forgive again. Otherwise, it will destroy you.'”

And it started me thinking

Someone lied to us.  It started early and has gone on for years.

Remember the children’s rhyme: sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never harm me? Lies.  All lies!

While sticks and stones hurled in your direction may cause immediate pain and bruising, words are oh, so much worse.  And the truth is, it doesn’t even have to be a spoken word.

It can be a dismissive expression. The way something is stated.

The absence of worlds altogether when they should have been spoken.

Actions. (Or inactions, for that matter.)

A whisper. A glance. An insulting remark.

A deaf ear.  A cold shoulder.  Neglect.

Holding on, when the proper thing would be to let go.

Sometimes the sting can be felt immediately. All too often, we gather up the hurt and carry it with us as we continue life’s journey.

We store it some place safe, where we have easy access. We pull it out when it suits us to pet it, play with it, show it off to others like some bizarre badge of honor to explain away our own inappropriate behavior.

Before we realize it, our bags and pockets are heavy, laden with the numerous offenses we have collected. Life becomes heavy and hard, and it is difficult to make progress as we lug around the enormous pile of wrongs done to us.

“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free” [Catherine Ponder].

No wonder life is so hard when we hold on to offenses — they are the ties that bind us to a past we would rather forget.

It doesn’t have to be that way. Forgiveness, like love, is a choice. Quite often it is a choice we have to make every day — sometimes several times a day.

And, as Isaac Friedman said, it is the sweetest revenge.

Whatever you are, be a good one!

Deanna

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Live Gratitude

To speak gratitude is courteous and pleasant,
to enact gratitude is generous and noble,
but to live gratitude is to touch Heaven [Johannes A. Gaertner].

Beyond the occasional thank-you note you manage to get in the mail, or the quick, “Thanks!” you utter, are you truly living a life of gratitude?

Running around. Living our lives at an exhausting pace.

Too hectic. Too much. Too little time.

We’re so busy looking for that and building this and trying to squeeze ourselves into the next 60 minutes.

It’s no wonder we scarcely notice the kindness from a stranger, acknowledge the generosity of a friend, or remember the thoughtfulness of a family member as we rush to and fro, trying to meet expectations and deadlines and self-imposed ideals.

Our lives are so busy we need a reminder to be thankful. We have to schedule our gratitude. Fortunately, we have a day set aside just for this purpose. An exit ramp, if you will, from the rat race to a thankful place.

A mandated respite to cherish kindness, honor sacrifices, recall our blessings.

After the traveling and meal preparations and dinner table discussions. When the dishes are cleared away and the left-overs are put away. Let’s not forget that tomorrow is really about pausing to remember, reflect, and reach out.

It’s our opportunity to acknowledge the kindness and generosity, the courage and sacrifice of others. To sincerely appreciate our blessings.

But we need not wait for one day on the calendar to be grateful. We should strive to live a life marked by thanksgiving.

Make it a habit to tell people thank you.

To express your appreciation
sincerely and without the expectation of anything in return.

Truly appreciate those around you,
and you’ll soon find many others around you.

Truly appreciate life,
and you’ll find you have more of it.

~ Ralph Marston

Commit to living a life of gratitude every day. “Take nothing for granted. Train yourself never to put off the word or action for the expression of gratitude” [Albert Schweitzer].

Whatever you are, be a good one!

Deanna

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Turn a Life Around

We are prone to judge success by the index of our salaries or the size of our automobile rather than by the quality of our service and relationship to humanity” [Martin Luther King, Jr.].

Success is such a fleeting concept. What it means to me, sounds foreign to my neighbor. And what my friend considers success, I might classify as torture!

Houses, addresses, cars, vacations, salaries, collections, hobbies, activities, and name brands.  Why do we consider these to be benchmarks of success and self-importance?

Is it wise to base our value on these “things” that evaporate when Wall Street hiccups?

What about time with family and service to others and a sincere appreciation for the life you live and the gifts you have been given? Why do we tend to overlook their worth and importance?

“A wise person understands that his own happiness must include the happiness of others” [Dennis Weaver]. So, if you find yourself unhappy or unsettled or feeling hopeless and unwanted, my advice would not be to go check your bank account, or look at your car, or spend time with your trophy collection.

I would suggest you take stock of the last time you truly helped someone else. You made a personal connection, offered a kind word, extended a helping hand, freely gave of your time and expertise. Poured into the life of another.

These are the investments that are guaranteed to yield high dividends.

As Leo Buscaglia said,

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.

Don’t overlook the small acts of kindness.  Especially this week, as we turn our thoughts toward home and family. Set aside unrealistic expectations. Celebrate the moment. Enjoy time with your loved ones. Strive for kindness in your actions, attitude, and conversation. How beautiful is service to humanity that begins at home — at our home — toward those we know the best.

Whatever you are, be a kind one!

Deanna

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Human Wrecking Balls

“Jealousy is the tribute mediocrity pays to genius” [Fulton J. Sheen].

I was flipping through the television channels the other day and saw a commercial for a new show titled, “Human Wrecking Ball.”

During the 30-second spot, I watched as two guys destroyed things (buildings, furniture, gas stations) by kicking with their feet or tearing apart with their hands or just running into them with their bodies. Seriously?  Don’t you find it surprising that we can find corporate sponsors for this type of programming?

Well, the ad started me thinking about all the people I have come across who are literally Human Wrecking Balls.

They take without giving. Knock down your dreams. Trample through your hopes, and leave a path of destruction in their wake.  They are ghastly and dangerous forces that can poison your spirit.

Instead of putting any effort forth to improve their own circumstances, they focus their energy on tearing down others. Their mission is to reduce your life to a pile of rubble smaller than their own pile of trash.

I’m sure you’ve encountered your own brand of Wrecking Balls. They are suspicious, fearful, and jealous and if allowed to hang around, they have a way of influencing everything in their path. Their persistent negativity will sabotage your destiny.

I caution you to be wary of those you grant admittance into your life.  Protect your dreams and hopes until they are strong enough to grow on their own, and you have confidence in their viability.

Always give your best.
Never get discouraged. Never be petty.
Always remember, others may hate you.
But those who hate you don’t win unless you hate them.
And then you destroy yourself.
~ Richard Nixon

Whatever you are, be a good one!

Deanna

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